What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 08:02
As i do to all so called friends.?
I think the readers, may guess!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What are some effective ways to cope with loss and grief?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Put me off passion for life!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why do humans sweat while stressed?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It was going to be , some day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
What do women talk about mostly(among themselves)?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She loved him until the end.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was 9 years of age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But, we were locked up after school.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I said to her
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Especially a lifetime of it.
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!