What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 05:18
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What is the naughtiest fantasy that you've lived out?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
Are Turks ashamed of their Islamic heritage?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Can you explain the difference between “mi piace” and “mi piacciono” in Italian?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was in good health!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So, i spoilt her more .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it wasn’t much.
But, we were locked up after school.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I write beautiful poetry .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!